unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
