I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Randomize
