Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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