I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
