Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
