It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
