I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
