You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
