i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
