Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
