don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
