In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
