I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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