my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you win again, gameday.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
