I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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