You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
he laminated a picture of his dick.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
