Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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