Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
