Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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