Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
