She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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