I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
