Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
