o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
