I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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