Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
