The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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