Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
