In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
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