So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
