You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
