Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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