the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
