Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's blow job season.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
