I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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