Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
we're making bets on your personal life
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
