My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
