You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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