You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
