I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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