Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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