the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
this will be a night to untag.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
