my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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