fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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