I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
