Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
