I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I didn't notice because vodka
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Drunk is a universal language darling
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
