dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
we're making bets on your personal life
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
