The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize
