Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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