Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
