How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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