Umm I'm too high to move.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
