The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I wish you could order shots online.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
