I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Randomize
