i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
