ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
