I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
