I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
