Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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