Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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