I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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