Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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