I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
