did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
